When I was much younger, I was very much the one who wanted to control my life. I used to think that everything that happened to me was dependent on my quiet time or how faithful I was. If something bad happened, I was sure it was because I was not doing a good enough job at whatever God had given me to do. Over the years, God has slowly chipped away at that false idea that I had grown to love. Now I rarely struggle with those issues. But still, I find that I want to know all about the end of the journey NOW. I'd rather be prepared and know my future before i have to live through it. The most difficult thing that I find to do in life is to wait. God continues to give me circumstances where I just need to wait. There are no easy fixes and no simple answers. I see easily that this is His way of keeping me trusting in His hand in my life and the way that He is making for me and not the way that I can forge on my own.
I know that you all are probably sick to death of hearing about my crazy leg, but boy....the thing just has not gotten better as quickly as I had hoped it would. I know that the Orthopedist told me it was a season ending football injury, but I thought it wouldn't be so long. And yet, two months later, I am not completely normal. I am in physical therapy now and it is hard work. I didn't think it would be so tiring. I find myself complaining far too much and I find myself still becoming exhausted. When Ski had his surgery, he was not the only one who needed recuperation time. I found myself holding everything together and needing someone to lean on. My dear Ski reminded me, as we discussed this tonight, that my Lord should have held that position. While I wholeheartedly agree with him, I told him that it is a very difficult thing to see that when you are worn from caring for a family, your ill spouse, and you're still recuperating self. I think that the Lord has shown me (with Ski's help) that others need compassion and that compassion is borne in suffering. I wouldn't easily call the past few months suffering, but I can readily see that hardship and trials may come not only to refine our own hearts, but also to reach out to the wounded and battered hearts of others who are in need.
And lastly, the last two things that come to mind for me is having a grateful heart and laying down my life for others. Since my injury, I have seen time and time again, a dear husband who has over and over given to me and served me without an ounce of complaint. Even while he recuperated from surgery, when I was also trying to catch up on lost sleep and weariness from our ordeal together, he was still serving me in small ways. It has opened my eyes to how he shows endless kindnesses to me every day. So, while I don't think I will ever be able to repay his selfless servant attitude, I have taken every opportunity I see to show gratefulness to my Ski. And tonight, he blessed me by noticing my thankfulness. Likewise, his example convicts me and urges me to lay down my wants and needs in order to serve those around me who need me. This is so difficult for me, but I am convinced that it is not only the right thing for me to do, but what God wishes for me to do. And God has still given me the strength to serve even though I feel I have no strength left.
I am not 100% successful or perfected in these areas, but I just thought I'd give ya a little bit of insight on what's been going on with me lately. ;) And now, you are all waiting anxiously for Ski to return with his lighthearted and amusing posts, aren't you?!??!
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