Waiting....

This of all nights is my very favorite night of the year.

I've been thinking about it all day long!!! Just waiting for tonight. The last minutes of preparation. The last few hours of the day. And as they slowly pass, my heart races more and more!!

There are Christmas Eves that stand out in my mind from my childhood. The year I was about 4 when we stood on the doorstep and watched the snow fall. The year I lived in an area settled predominantly by Eastern Europeans when we lit a candle to remember those an ocean away who felt like our brothers and neighbors. But more than those instances, what spoke to me was anticipation.

My parents did not promote Santa like some parents. But I still had a feeling he was out there somewhere and real!! I read a book once that talked about a time that was a moment after midnight that was magical. I figured that this must be when Santa came. And in the morning...to see all my parents had done in the night to transform our home was simply magical. I spent many nights, even after I outgrew Santa, waiting and staring out at the cold night sky twinkling with stars.

I awaited with longing...
I awaited with anticipation...
I awaited the events that tomorrow would hold...

And as I have grown older, my anticipation has grown. But I wait for something different. It isn't the food, the gifts, or the memories. Don't get me wrong....I love that part. I am a STRONG traditionalist and I have things I do every year. I do them because they speak to me and remind me of family I am far from. But what I eat, give or get is no longer the focus of my attention. It is because I have learned to identify so closely with those who awaited the Messiah who was promised. I wonder how they would feel if only they knew on that night so long ago, that that very night would be the last night of their longing. Finally, their prayers would be answered!! It thrills me just to even think about it. No....tomorrow isn't the actual birthday of Jesus. But I can celebrate it as if it were. And there is a kind of excitement in my heart thinking that tomorrow is the day. And as I consider it, I have a thrill inside thinking about what it must have been like that day. Tomorrow is the day I can celebrate that my Savior arrived...He came as a tiny baby, lowly and seemingly unimportant, to take my sins upon himself and to pay the ransom for my soul. It is because of that night so long ago on a random insignificant day, that I am now free and considered blameless and He calls me His beloved.

I think that's something worth waiting for!!!


Come, Thou Long Expected Jesus


Come, Thou long expected Jesus
Born to set Thy people free;
From our fears and sins release us,
Let us find our rest in Thee.
Israel’s Strength and Consolation,
Hope of all the earth Thou art;
Dear Desire of every nation,
Joy of every longing heart.

Born Thy people to deliver,
Born a child and yet a King,
Born to reign in us forever,
Now Thy gracious kingdom bring.
By Thine own eternal Spirit
Rule in all our hearts alone;
By Thine all sufficient merit,
Raise us to Thy glorious throne.

52

My father.
His father died when he was 17.
He hitchhiked to college every day in order to get his degree.
He was a teacher.
He had a girl he asked to marry.
She said no.
And then the Lord...
A man came to speak at his church one night.
And my dad's life changed forever.
Off he went to seminary to become a pastor.

My mother.
She was a teacher.
She went to Florida to teach in a mission.
She met a man.
Things were getting serious.
He asked her to come home and meet his parents.
And then the Lord...
Her brother died and she went home instead.
God spoke to her and her life changed forever....
She finished the year, ended her relationship, and left to go to seminary.

My father was smitten right away.
He asked her out on three dates the first time he got the courage to ask her out.
Their first date was in the fall.
Mom was fiesty.
She whacked him with a newspaper once.
That's what you get when you date a redhead!!
But she also brought him chicken soup and orange juice when he got sick.
Dad was the envy of the entire campus.
On Feb 14, my father proposed.
And then less than a year after they met,
On a hot August afternoon,
They were married.
Dad was 28 and mom was 32.

My mother who said,
She would never marry a minister
Did.

Two of the most influential people in my life.
They've been married for
Fifty-two years today.
Years of joy
Years of sadness
Years of difficulty.
All years full of devotion to each other.
They are an example, even today,
Of love that never fails.
Love that never gives up.
Love that loves despite everything else.

Happy Anniversary, mom and dad!!!
And Thank You!!

Never in a Million Years

Having kids has brought into my life many situations that I have always said, "Never in a million years did I imagine I'd be...."

A few years ago, after a dog came to live with us, I discovered I had asthma that was out of control. I think I've always had it. My doctors tell me this, too. It certainly explains a lot about my life...especially in regards to singing and flute playing. My life seriously went downhill when we got our dog. I spent much of my life on the couch and had three sinus infections. While I tested negative to dog, I suspect it was a false negative due to limited exposure. Or maybe it was simply the fact that our dog shed 24 hours a day and 365 days a year. Nevertheless, we got to a point where something had to go....the cat or the dog. Since the cat had lived with us for a longer time, we rehomed our dog. My live improved dramatically. But it was a very sad time for my children and I.

My doctors tell me that they suspect I've always been allergic to cats. I've had one in my house for my entire life except for my college years and for about 4yrs of our early married life. When I first went to have this problem addressed, I had no less than two doctors exclaim regarding my nose and ask if I could actually smell. When I first began my asthma medications, I remember being in awe of the feeling of air pass freely through my airways. Ski also noticed that I could sleep without snoring....something my friends and family have teased me about my entire life.

Since I could not bear to break the hearts of my children twice, I opted for allergy shots. I have not been able to increase to the full dose since I was having immense welts even with premedicating with two antihistamines. So I continue on a lowered maximum dosage. I have seen some improvement, but I am doubtful that I will see great improvements since I can't do the full treatment.

I have other asthma triggers. Dust mites are one. Cold is another...and I can't be treated for that. I also will have attacks if I experience extreme emotions.

Because of the allergies and asthma, my kitty and I have a love hate relationship. I adore her. But ever since she came to live with us, she has not been fond of me. If I nuzzle her as I love to do, I have to pay for it with allergy misery. She is fiercely independent. I love my kitty, but I long for a day without cats in my home. It would make my life much easier. We think about a "hair dog" but they are pricey and dogs....they're a lot of work.

Late Thursday afternoon, my son was vacuuming in the den. My cat had taken to sleeping under the couch so when the vacuum neared, she ran out from behind it. She knocked over a picture that had been leaning against the couch and made her way to the kitchen. There, my daughter noticed that she was not moving properly. Since it was so late in the afternoon, we decided to take her in on Friday to the vet.

We spent a tense evening watching our cat. She was not using her back legs at all. We took her food upstairs and the children left her up there. We found her hours later sitting in the hallway. I googled possibilities....and they were not good. People told me that you can't tell if a cat is in pain and she could be severely injured.

I was concerned for my son. He wondered if he had hurt her. I was afraid that she somehow had a serious injury and would need surgery that we could not afford and we would have to opt to put her down. I imagined that this would be the cause of much guilt on his part.

The time for us to leave for the appointment had come. I told the children before we left that she might not be coming home. There were a number of things that could be wrong and none of them sounded good. I had them say goodbye. It was heartbreaking.

I cried the entire ride to the vet's office.

We sat in the exam room and the dr ran through the list of possibilities. Things she had seen in vet school. She told us she didn't feel it was certain things because our cat did not appear to be in any pain. We opted for xrays and bloodwork.

She has no broken bones.
She has no tumor on her spine.
She does not have feline leukemia
feline AIDS
Kidney Infection
Does not appear to have a serious blood clot as these cause severe pain and no murmur is present
She is not diabetic
No heartworms
No infection

The doctor said her bloodwork was....beautiful.

She currently has no feeling in her right rear leg and has limited use in her left rear leg.

The possibilities are:
stroke....but this is VERY rare and she would probably have some other symptoms.
Disc issue....common in dachshunds and can be seen in cats. Would require a super expensive visit to the veterinary neurologist and possibly more expensive surgery.
Partial clot....this is not life threatening and can resolve to normal function without treatment. If this is the cause, she may or may not walk normally after the clot dissipates.

So, we know she is not in pain. She is eating and doing all other bodily functions...we just have to help her by putting her in the litter box and helping her clean. We are doing pt with her which includes doing range of motion exercises on both rear legs. If she is going to regain the use of her legs, we do not want her muscles to atrophy. If that happens, she still will not be able to walk.

Since she climbed down the stairs twice, we have moved everything downstairs. We don't want her falling down the stairs and injuring herself. We are watching for signs of a serious clot or worsening of her condition. The dr says she is perfectly happy and her meowing is probably her asking us "Why can't I walk like normal?"

She is getting lots of love and attention. We laugh as we watch her move about the house, but we also feel great compassion towards her. She is like having a baby, old person, and pet all mixed into one. She has always been a feisty cat and we think that this is helping her during this time. She is determined to do everything on her own. I caught her trying to get in her box so we know we must find an alternative to prevent her from hurting herself.

And through it all, I told dh.... if we had to put her to sleep, I wanted another cat. Silly, silly, silly me.

Not Such a Bad Thing (Part II)

Aug 8th....I arrived at the office where my dr talked with us. She was immensely kind. They had an emergency meeting to discuss my case and had decided I should deliver naturally. They were concerned that surgery and grief and the care of three young children would be too much for me. They also told me that they did not want me to feel pain if at all possible. They would induce me and let me progress until they were sure I was in labor and then we would start the epidural.

We went to the hospital and got settled in a room. We were told that everyone who came in the room would know the situation so we would not have to explain anything.

Our dear pastor came in a number of time or two during the day. I don't remember anyone else coming until much later. Ski and I spent most of the day talking, sometimes crying and an occasional laugh. Little did I know, but this was the beginning of the blessings to come.

We had been there all day and I now had my epidural. I was getting close. Because me epidural was very strong (more medication than usual), I began having incredible itching. A little later, I was close to delivery and a friend, Susan, had stopped by. She worked with moms who gave their babied up for adoption and was very familiar with moms in labor who needed comfort. She was like a refreshing glass of cool water for me. And later at home, she blessed me with gifts and just showered me with love and care.

During delivery, I think I cried the entire time. It was so hard because he was complete breach and so emotionally difficult. It was close to midnight when he finally arrived. He was 8lb 13oz and absolutely beautiful. He looked completely normal and reminded me of my father, who he was named after. Moments later, our pastor arrived for one last visit and he was able to hold and see our handsome son. He was the only person we personally know who saw him on this earth. We spent a few hours with holding our son. And finally, we said goodbye.

I never knew that your eyes could hurt from crying. But I never knew how much grace God would give me to walk through those days. I remember sitting in the restaurant at Mast General Store and crying, unable to eat. I don't remember eating much for about a month. I remember meals coming and Ski handing me plates and crying every other bite. At the same time, I often found myself comforting others and encouraging them.

It was a long and somewhat difficult road. I really can't share everything that was birthed in those hard days. It would take me quite a while and you wouldn't be reading anymore. But these are two....

I learned that God gave me Ski because he compliments me in every way. Our relationship changed in amazing ways. In fact the depth of our relationship is something that I consider the biggest gift that God gave us through the life and death of our son, Asher. What began during those bleak days has become even more precious to me during these past 15 years.

There were a number of trials since then that lead to the next lesson.
But the birth of our son also birthed deep lessons about who God is and what He's doing. I learned that God is always, always, ALWAYS good....even when we can't see it. His plan is greater. His plan is better. He is after more than I can see. He is after my heart. The stuff that happens in my life happens because God is at work and He is doing something amazing. All I have to do is to be faithful and wait awhile. I may not see ALL that he is doing here, but I can trust that it is all good and for my benefit.

What my children have meant to me through suffering and what they learn as they walk through questions of life and death has been precious to me as well. We have walked these roads together and it has impacted their lives. We often have had the occasion to speak about death and how life is so brief and momentary and we never know the number of our days.

The life of my son is such a reminder to me of Christ. I understand differently the sacrifice of a son. And I long even more for a reunion with my Savior than I do for my son. And my children see how their love for their brother, who they have never met, is how our love for Christ is.

So....I don't think it is such a bad thing at all. ;)

Happy birthday, Asher Josiah.
And thank you Lord for giving me so much through the life of my son!!

Not Such a Bad Thing (Part I)

It's funny.
I always thought that grief went away.
But it doesn't.
It just returns to you unexpectedly.

When you toss a stone into a lake, it sends out ripples. Towards the entry point of the stone, the ripples come fast and furious. And then, progressing outwards, they space themselves. Longer and longer grows the distance between the ripples. And more and more time passes, our hearts heal and unexpectedly, the tears come and we grieve again. Not like before. Now, our grief is small and brief as if clouds have come in the midst of an otherwise sunny day. And soon, the sun is shining upon us again.

So today, 15 years later, I found myself sobbing in the cemetery recalling the day my second son was born and the events that followed soon after. Little did I know that in the midst of the deep pain I was experiencing, God was giving me something more.....something better.

It is funny to me that people I have met in the last 10 years have no idea about this part of my life. For a long time, my oldest son used to tell literally everyone he met that he had a brother who died. I always felt badly about the strangers we met in the store who stood there aghast not knowing how to respond. Even now, If I happen to mention it after knowing someone awhile, I immediately get an "I'm sorry." and then usually silence.

But I'm not sorry.

Don't get me wrong. I would give anything to have him here with me. I long to be his mommy, too.

But for what I have gained....I wouldn't change a single thing. In fact, most people find it surprising to know that given the choice, I would do it all over again.....

I knew he had died.

On the evening of Aug 6th, I knew something was wrong, but kept it to myself. On Aug 7th, I woke up and told Ski I needed to go to the dr. When I called them, they told me to come in right away. We had three small children...almost 4, 3, and 2. I was due around Sept. 15. There we sat.....Ski and the three kids and me across the room. They tried the fetal monitor and the nurse was so cheery, but I knew. My dr came in. She was quiet and then "Yes....it's not good."

We learned that our son....we were having another son....had hydrocephalus. But on top of that, he had calcium deposits in his brain. These had probably caused him to have a seizure and he died.

There were concerns. First of all, he was complete breach. The drs wondered if I should deliver naturally or have a c-section. This they needed to discuss. They told me that I could wait to go into labor naturally, but that they did not encourage this. I could go in as soon as the next day to be induced. We should take our time and call them with our decision.

I remember holding it together until we got to the parking garage. And there, looking over the city, melting into Ski's arms into a ball of tears. Somehow, we pulled ourselves together and called someone....I have no idea who....and dropped the kids of....I have no idea where. All I know is that my church friends tended my children for the next few days which were a blur.

The next thing I recall is sitting in a Dairy Queen killing time trying to talk over what we would do. Ski was concerned about what the drs had said about it being very emotionally difficult to wait for natural labor to occur. A dear, sweet man from church happened to come in and spoke with us. I was not ready to talk and we had a "normal conversation" with him. And after trying to remain relatively normal during that conversation and seeing a number of cheerful pregnant women pass by, I came to the conclusion that everyone was right and we would go in the next day to deliver.

We had called our church and everyone was out of town except for one pastor. We went over after hours when he told us he was free and sat there with him until well after 8pm, I think. Over the next few days, he was rarely far from our sides and told us to call him when we needed him. To this day, I have never failed to appreciate the sacrifices both he, his wife and his family made on our behalf. We could have not gone through this without his gentle care and love for us.

I don't know when we arrived home or how I slept that night.

Sweet time spent....

I have full plate of stuff going on right now. So much God is doing in my life. There are no less than 4 things that are weighing heavily on my heart these days. So when I have time with Ski, it is sweet and such a blessing and a time of respite.

We had a date night tonight. We were talking about a lot of things. God is really using the trials of my life to bring us even closer together. Over the past few months, God has really been doing a work in my life and I stand amazed at what He has done!!

We were enjoying sweet and quiet conversation while we sat on a bench this evening in a tree-lined area. After awhile, a male and female cardinal came and sat on a bench across from us. It was obvious they were together. They flitted to and fro and they finally settled on the top of the bench back. After a little, the male dropped down to the seat area. After poking around a little, he returned to the bench back and approached his mate and fed her something into her beak. He repeated this action nearly ten times before she finally flew to the ground in a bush nearby. He soon followed. I learned later that this is mating behavior and that the male will often feed his mate beak to beak. It was a precious sight!!!!

God was so kind to show us this tenderness between birds. It was such a touching moment and we laughed awhile as we watched. I asked them if they were on a date night as well. Obviously, they were. I later discovered that he was feeding her bits of a discarded sandwich crust.

I am so grateful for my dearest husband who cares for me so tenderly as the male cardinal did this evening.

Hello old friend....

Garden Keeper

I grieve...
For all the times I have lied.
Did you wonder if I would ever change?
Did you fret about the snakes and bugs
That lurked when you weren't there?

I wonder...
How much did you really know?
Was the battle for my soul
More clear to you than I could see?
Or was it merely revelation in the passage of time?

It seems...
My life was like my sorry patch of beans.
It did not seem weedy and overgrown.
Till I peeked underneath the shady leaves
And discovered pests and tendrils dwelling there.

Tender...
Although it didn't seem to be
When you poked the leaves and shoots
Revealing disease and parts the insects chewed away
And yearning I would find the sun and rain.

Thank you.
For I know you must have prayed
Weeping...praying...never ending
And I know...you have never given up
Never ceased to love me so well and I...so undeserving.

-rag

*******THIS WORK IS PROPERTY OF THE AUTHOR AND NO REPRODUCTION IS PERMITTED WITHOUT EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION FROM AUTHOR. ALL OTHER USE CONSTITUTES THEFT ********

Do Everything.....for Hannah

Today was a busy day for me. There's a store I like to visit and it is a good distance away. The last few times I went, I took family members with me. But this time...I was alone. Alone time gives me time to think, time to listen to music, and time to pray. Since my ipod is never charged, the music part of it usually ends up being listening to the radio.

Today, a particular song hit me and I am sharing it here for my dear daughter, Hannah. Sorry, girl....I know it isn't either of our styles...in fact, I know we're both slightly cringing inside. It's the words, you know....just listen to those and forget the style and who's singing it. ;)




I know that right now, the things before you seem mundane and challenging. But....God can and does do AMAZING things....even in the mundane. No job He has given you is less important than what He has given to others. God has big plans for you...even in the everyday. He will reward you in your faithfulness and in your joy in what you have to do today.

So....go out and do it to His glory!!!!

My Name Ain't Mary

(Oh....how my English profs would hate to see that.
That's what they get for making me read "Ulysses.")

My mother grew up on a farm....well, actually many farms. Her father was a tenant farmer during the depression. My grandmother was an amazing woman. We share a number of things in common. For one, even though she was a farm wife, my grandfather said that she did her best sleeping in the morning. Haha.... My father and husband know very well that the women descended from her also do their best sleeping in the morning. They've tried to wake us up!!! Another thing he always said about her was that she could stretch dollar farther than anyone else he knew. I think I fall short in this area, but I try hard. She was an amazing cook. Boy, did she have a gift!! Ask anyone who ate at her table and I am sure they would agree. But one thing I am SURE I did not inherit was her ability to grow things. She grew the biggest flowers I have ever seen in my life. I loved to go out and look at her garden and marvel at those flowers.

My first attempt at plants was at the knee of my other grandmother...aptly named Flora. She grew large and beautiful peony plants. Bushels of bluebells and daffodils...which she encouraged us to pick to deliver to our ever grateful teachers. And almost without fail, she sent me home with an African violet.

This grandmother lived in a house that was built before the American Revolution. It was gorgeous!! The windows were incredibly deep. And in the windows, among the sparkling cranberry, milk, and carnival glass, were nestled delicate and flowering violets. When she felt I was old enough, she told me how to care for these plants. She told me how to water only from the base. She taught me how to root a leaf. I listened and went home with high expectations. But almost without fail, when she asked me how my plant was doing, I'd hang my head in shame, refusing to meet her eyes as I had to admit that it had died.

At least my uncle must have learned a thing or two from her. He grew baskets full of all kinds of veggies in a seemingly tiny plot of land. Every year, he grew giant ears of corn, beets, tomatoes, beans, kholorabi, and more!! He was always giving things away from his garden.

Convinced that I had not acquired a green thumb from either of my gardening grandmothers, I asked my mother for a cactus. I was sure I would succeed. But once again...it died. Yes, folks....I have killed a cactus. So ended my foray into plants.

When we bought our first home, vines grew. Trees grew...and fell. Grass grew. And....while the yard was too shady for a garden, I tried to grow a thing or two. I think I grew five beans in total. Even back then, it wasn't enough for our family. I planted some black eyed susans not long before we moved. I'm not sure if they ever grew back. However, I did plant some zinnias in the front yard. Ah....I figured out that Lilliput meant small. You's think someone who has a BA in literature would know that. Even though I was disappointed in their size, they seeded and came back the next year!! I also planted Sweet William by the walk. It amazed me by appearing for three years in a row!

The first thing I planted here was probably cilantro. I don't know why. We're not big fans. But the caterpillars that found it munched happily on it and turned into pretty butterflies. I planted a rosemary in its place. Unfortunately, I didn't realize how big they can grow. It is still alive and growing, but I keep it trimmed very small.

I dug out an overgrown bush that I didn't like I plopped down Black eyed susan again. They seemed to work before. I put more by the mailbox. A few years later, my mother in law planted a clematis. Halfway through it's first summer, it took a turn for the worse and I thought it had died. I just left it there hoping...maybe....and then I discovered that the new growth grows on the dead growth. Lots of patience and it has grown!!! I am always so pleased every spring to find huge purple bud on my plant.

Two springs ago, I decided I wanted something pretty outside my dining room window. A bush I tried to plant, finally died -- a victim of teenage boys and balls. I needed a tall plant so I chose purple cone flowers. I didn't have tons of money so I planted some seeds. When they were a good size, I transferred them to my pathetic little plot. About this time, a neighbor gave me a few cannas. I planted them all along my window. To my amazement, they have flourished there enjoying the full sun. Now, I can open my curtains and watch the bees and butterflies come and visit my flowers.

Finally,for the past few years, I have had a vegetable garden. I use a large plot of raised bed because the soil is yucky here. I also use containers to enlarge my garden. It is modest. Nothing like my uncle's. I definitely don't have his talents and gifts. But things are growing!! I walk out there twice a day and I am never disappointed. I always am finding something new. New growth. New flowers. I've bought some plants. Others, I planted from seed. I am utterly amazed that from a tiny seed, a plant with twisting vines and fruit emerges. And I've learned which sprouts are my plants and which ones are weeds. I don't care all that much how much it produces. It is just fun to watch it all grow.

I don't think I will ever be a master gardener....or even an accomplished one. But I am proof that even if you don't think you're capable of growing things, that just maybe you can. And in case you were wondering, the first two pictures aren't mine, but the rest is. I will never be Mary who, for the life of me, I cannot understand why she is so contrary. And if it weren't for the bugs, I might just become addicted to growing things.

I think my grandmothers would be pleased!!

Natty and the Japanese Dinner

We had a meeting tonight and I haven't had a moment to breathe let alone get grocery shopping done. We have nothing quick in the house for all 8 of us. Christelle was staying home with the younger three so they had some food to fix. So Ski, Natty, Hannah and I grabbed dinner out.

We stopped at a favorite date night haunt. It is a Japanese place. Hannah and Natty both decided to try the sushi. Natty tried to decide between two and I encouraged him to try the non-spicy roll and maybe try a spicy one another time. When the girl brought the order, he got a little excited. He asked the girl if she was Japanese. He's been learning Japanese on his own and wants to try it out on someone. Turns out both girls are Laotian and no on in the place is actually Japanese. He was a little disappointed. But later, he took to attempting to read the plates.

Just after we started eating, Natty picked up the blob of wasabi that was sitting on his rolls and popped it in his mouth. David was about to say something, but it all happened to fast. When I looked up, Nathaniel was making all kinds of funny faces.

I said, "Eat some rice!"

Being Nathaniel and somewhat deliberate, he poked around the rice with his chopsticks.

I said, "Grab a fork!!!" As he is ripping the silverware package open, I realized he wasn't opening his mouth.

I said, "Did you swallow it?"
He shook his head.
"Well then SPIT IT OUT!!!!"
Apparently, he was going to just eat it and swallow it so as not to disgust the rest of us by spitting it out.

Finally he had got it out and ate some rice and took a drink. It was seriously a repeat of his Chemistry class when he got a chemical burn and wondered what he should do.....while his hand BURNED!!! At least he keeps us in stitches.

Next time, I think he can try the spicy roll. It can't be worse than a mouthful of wasabi!!

The Kind of Mom I Am

With the high school graduation of my oldest child just around the corner, I find myself thinking about the past 18 yrs and where they have gone. I clearly recall the feelings of being unprepared for motherhood...and I don't think those thoughts have ever left me. And here, I thought it was part of the nausea. :D I often think I must have given my children a peculiar view of motherhood.

As Ski would say, I live with disorganized organization. In general, I am NOT organized. Most people say "Six kids!! You must be super organized." That's funny. No...I am not organized. I can organize some things...but it doesn't last because my maddening hoard descends and soon chaos has ensued once again. After 18 years, I've come to realize, I will never be as organized as everyone thinks I should be.

As a homeschooling mom, people also assume I am the best teacher in the world. Ummm....probably not. I know so many women who were former educators who are incredibly creative and productive. Me? Well, there is a reason I didn't finish the education part of my degree. It's a struggle for me...most days.

If you asked my children which parent was more strict...well, I'm sure they would all point at me. They'd most likely say my favorite word was "no." Yeah....I'm no fun. Six kids = noise. It's almost constant and I never knew how much I loved quiet until they came to live in my house. I often feel like the Grinch, holding my hands to my ears exclaiming, "Noise, noise, noise..." So much of my denial comes from my deep desire for peace and quiet.

But there comes a time when I thrive on having fun and want to just have fun with my children. I don't know if it is a fear of having lived life and regretting that. Or perhaps my parental role just feels a little stifling now and then. Regardless, my deepest hope is that my kids remember this side of me more than the other.

The mom who:
- gets "coffee drunk" and howls at the moon
- dances in a field when she thinks no one is watching
- rolls down a grassy hill and then begs her kids to
- giggles with delight as we watch the crabs run along the beach in the moonlight
- talks in funny accents....in public
- eats jello with her fingers (or rather is fed jello) because we don't have spoons
- ties her licorice in a big long string and then eats it
- has an impromptu photo shoot because everyone just HAPPENED to dress alike
- sings at the top of her lungs to crazy music
- has long,deep conversations with you in the car and grocery store and suddenly says "How did we get on this subject?!?!?!"
- celebrates obscure holidays....just for fun
- thinks Dickens is hysterical even though no one agrees with her
- cries at opera, songs about growing up, and stupid commercials
- would let you dye your hair any color because she thinks it's cool
- grosses you out with all of her medical talk

Because my favorite times haven't been the boring every day "official" mom stuff, but all of the times when I've just been myself. Because that's the kind of mom I am!!!

Yes....I'm looking for some spline.

Date night....always an adventure.

Our first stop? Ikea.
We had bought a shelving unit and while putting it together, we realized there was a problem. I was attempting to attach the final leg and the screw holes did not line up. Hmmm.... maybe it was a bit warped. We tried turning it around and...nope...it was WORSE!! I picked it up and stood it on end. It wasn't warped. Whoever made that piece needs to go back to wood shop!! It bent over like a y. I should have snapped a photo. It was kind of crazy.

So there we were in Ikea. We chatted with a friend in the returns area. And then we were going to grab a bite upstairs in the cafeteria. Nope. They close at 8:30. We just missed it.

So off we drove to our favorite Japanese place. We usually go to the one in H-ville, but this one was closer. Yummmmm.....Shumai!! We were sitting there eating when I realized they were playing "Not Home Yet" by Steven Curtis Chapman. Strange.... This was followed by a more recent CCM genre song. Then...Taio Cruz and Dynamite and then some Rhianna-like song followed by some oldie from the Motown era. I think it was tuned in to the Indecisive station on Sirius.

What next? Hmmm....I wanted to check out something at Lowe's. When we arrived, we headed off to windows and doors. I was looking at the signs above the aisles, deciding in my mind which aisle to try. As we were heading down one aisle, a sales guy approached us to ask if he could help us find something. I turned to him and asked....

"Yes....where can I find some spline?"

The look on his face was incredible!! I could see the wheels turning in his head. A woman asking for spline. Does she know what it actually is?!?!?!

"Spline.... Do you mean for screens in windows?" he asked.

Now I am thinking...well, DUH!!! I was standing in windows and doors after all...

"Yes."

"It's in aisle 15."

Now, silly me...I proved that I am indeed a woman. Who knew spline came in all kinds of sizes?!?!? Well, we weren't purchasing that tonight. Oh...my aching spline!!!

Off we went to look for something else. I had a thrill finding a washable filter for my vacuum originally priced at $40 on clearance for $10. So we stood there debating...what if it isn't the right size? Should we buy it? It was the only one left...

"We could always return it if it doesn't fit." I said, thinking I was pretty sure it was the right size.

"Oh sure, you can return it," said a salesman standing nearby. "In fact, we have a 70 day return policy so you can keep it for 69 days and return it."

Dh asked him where to find the carbon monoxide detectors since ours went berserk.

"Aisle 15."

"That's our aisle for the night!!!" I laughed... Yeah!! Back to the spline!!!

On our way to aisle 15, we entered an aisle to check out a ceiling light we need to replace. This aisle was the brightest aisle I've ever been in and I saw lights after leaving it.

Ooops...we had to stop by cleaners. Ski was looking the the thinggerjigger stuff we were out of. Funny...I knew exactly what he wanted.

Soon, we were in aisle 15. Hmmm There were no fire or carbon monoxide detectors to be found. Soon we were near windows and doors again and along comes Mr. Spliney to ask once again if we need help finding something.

Ski tells him...

"Aisle 14."

I laughed and said "Off by an aisle."

I do not think Mr. Spliney thought we were amusing.

We found our detector and walked towards checkout. Oooooh......I spied fun!! They had a whiteboard display with pens attached. You could write on it for fun. Most people wrote things like I love Lowes, Lowes Rocks!, and there was one picture of a cartoon dog. I picked up a pen and wrote....

I ♥ spline!!

After Ski paid, I told him to look at what I wrote. He contributed...

Spline RULES!!!

The best thing about hanging with Ski is being fun and silly together. He doesn't think I've lost my mind. Instead...he has fun with me.
Now don't you wish your date nights were that fun?!!??!

Btw....spline is cool!!!

Confessions....

I didn't want to go out today. I was soooo tired. Ski has a little cold. My middle daughter is ill. I feel almost as if any moment my body is going to break into illness. I just wanted to be home on the couch. In fact, this very minute I had something I was supposed to do, but was going to ditch it for a fun thing, but in the end I've chosen to stay home because my body isn't liking me today.

But I had to go out today. It is the day I get my allergy shot. Yeah!! Plus my family is clamoring for food. I got my shot, stopped for a coffee thanks to a blessing from a friend. And then began the errands. Uggh. If there are two things I hate they are grocery shopping and driving in traffic. I would never make a good soccer mom!!!

Ok...before we go on, there are two things you need to know.

The first thing is that over the past year or so, God has really been opening my eyes to the plight of people around me. I used to just watch the world around me and be relatively unphased. And yes, I am ashamed of that. But God has been both gently and repeatedly showing me the plight of man around me. And He's been giving me compassion and a desire to DO something. Whether it is girls in slavery in the Dominican Republic or kids at risk who need mentors. I read story after story and feel both grieved and moved. And while the first instinct is to throw money at it (which there isn't much around here to spare), I know that really isn't what these people need -- they need to see the love of Jesus!! But I often feel helpless and wonder "What can I do?" I am just a housewife and mother. I don't have lots of money to go on a mission trip. I can't give lots of money away. So that's what God has been doing...

Secondly, is my food budget. It never used to cause me as much consternation as it has recently, but with 4 teens and one who needs protein rich snacks ALL the time, it's been more trying. So I looked at my list and on top of my groceries is the cat food. Every time that comes up, I cringe. I know it's going to be a tight week. You see, the cat eats this pricey food because, well....she really does do better on it. I am so tempted to get her cheap stuff, but I know it won't work.

So...there I am. It's the week with the cat food. Uggh. So...after a few stops, I head into Aldi. I grab my cart full of stuff and once again...God has been generous to me. I am filled with gratitude....knowing the food budget is going pretty well this time. I head out to the van and start stuffing things into boxes. I am about to shut the trunk when I spot a vagrant. I walked off to put my cart away. The closer I got to my van, the more and more angry I became. I managed to get in my car without being accosted, but he stood in FRONT of my van. He wasn't obnoxious...it was more like God posting a giant arrow saying "Look here, dummy!!" I backed out and tried to get out of there as fast as I could. Down the road I sped to Walmart.

How dare he even THINK about asking me for money!! I have 8 people to feed plus one of them has food allergies, another one is hypoglycemic, and we only have one income. Every self righteous thought went through my mind. We're trying to get out of debt. I have to buy books for my kids for school. My girls are trying to find jobs and there aren't many out there and lots of people are looking. We're losing a perfectly good car JUST because it needs a catalytic converter and the stupid manufacturer put it under the axle and it is $$ to repair. Plus if I have money, shouldn't I give it to the people I KNOW who could use it? I've got friends and family alike who could use it. And of course, there are church things... Plus, you know those guys who hold signs and ask from money REALLY don't need it. Ski gave an apple to a guy downtown once and his friend told him the guy threw it away. They don't really NEED money. They just want a freebie...

In less than a mile, I was walking in the entrance to Walmart. As I yanked a cart from the row, I was flooded with conviction...

Scriptures flooded my mind. And following scriptures came all those songs from Christian radio and church....

Everyone needs compassion, Love that's never failing; Let mercy fall on me. -- Hillsong (can't find an songwriter)

Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me your heart for the once forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see -- Brandon Heath

Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. Colossians 3: 12-14

How could I have compassion for those who suffer in other countries or those who suffer and "look nice," but not have compassion for this man? Hadn't God blessed me abundantly? It's so funny, well, not funny...maybe more sad... how I "forget" how much I've been blessed when a need is pulling at my heart. Wasn't I called to be compassionate to those who suffer around me? And then I wondered....what if I was the only Christian he came across...and what had I done? I ran away as fast as I could trying to pretend I did not notice. God had given me the perfect opportunity to reach out and care for those who were less fortunate than me and I had blown it. Did I really care about the suffering world around me?

And in the next moment, I felt God call me to reach out to this man. Scaaaarey!!! I was alone. And a woman!! Was it safe? But no....it was clear. God told me as if He had been standing next to me...go get him some food!! And if there's one thing I do, is when I hear that voice loud and clear like that, I obey!!

I almost turned around and went to ask him what he would like. But instead, felt I should go shop FOR him. He might not be able to tell me what he wanted. This way, I could get things and offer them all to him. So recalling that when Ski went to the soup kitchen they said they gave them high protein foods since they don't get much, I bought a number of items I thought would work -- portable, easy to eat and open without utensils. So I bought my groceries and a bag of food for this man and a sub from the subway with all the veggies.

I thought about getting gas since I was close to running out, but it was getting dark. Plus Aldi would close soon... I drove over to Aldi. I crawled through the parking lot looking for him...trying to recall what he was wearing. I was near tears when I realized he had gone. I left the parking lot and sat at the red light. It was starting to rain. Yucky...driving in traffic, in the rain at dusk... Just then, sitting at the light, I caught a glimpse of a man trudging through a parking lot. Was that him? Then I noticed the slight limp and I knew. I turned the corner and steered into the parking lot of a Hardees and cornered him. I rolled down my window.

I explained that I was a Christian and that I had seen him at Aldi and that I don't give out money, but I felt God tell me to buy him some food. I showed him what I bought. I told him I had the sandwich made just for him. He didn't want a few things, but when he saw the milk....wow was he excited. I wished I had bought a larger container!! And I looked into his eyes. And while he didn't say thank you, I could tell he was excited and I think grateful even though he was disappointed I did not give him money. I am not sure he was coherent enough to say thank you. But in the silence where neither of us knew quite what to say, I think I saw the eyes of Christ. There in the face of a man that people rush away from and try to pretend they do not see. I handed it all in a bag to him and drove away.

And as I drove away, I burst into tears as I remembered these verses ....

‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’ Matthew 25: 34-40

I want my life to reflect these passages rather than the verses following like it did today. Sad to say, it's an every day fight.