Confessions....

I didn't want to go out today. I was soooo tired. Ski has a little cold. My middle daughter is ill. I feel almost as if any moment my body is going to break into illness. I just wanted to be home on the couch. In fact, this very minute I had something I was supposed to do, but was going to ditch it for a fun thing, but in the end I've chosen to stay home because my body isn't liking me today.

But I had to go out today. It is the day I get my allergy shot. Yeah!! Plus my family is clamoring for food. I got my shot, stopped for a coffee thanks to a blessing from a friend. And then began the errands. Uggh. If there are two things I hate they are grocery shopping and driving in traffic. I would never make a good soccer mom!!!

Ok...before we go on, there are two things you need to know.

The first thing is that over the past year or so, God has really been opening my eyes to the plight of people around me. I used to just watch the world around me and be relatively unphased. And yes, I am ashamed of that. But God has been both gently and repeatedly showing me the plight of man around me. And He's been giving me compassion and a desire to DO something. Whether it is girls in slavery in the Dominican Republic or kids at risk who need mentors. I read story after story and feel both grieved and moved. And while the first instinct is to throw money at it (which there isn't much around here to spare), I know that really isn't what these people need -- they need to see the love of Jesus!! But I often feel helpless and wonder "What can I do?" I am just a housewife and mother. I don't have lots of money to go on a mission trip. I can't give lots of money away. So that's what God has been doing...

Secondly, is my food budget. It never used to cause me as much consternation as it has recently, but with 4 teens and one who needs protein rich snacks ALL the time, it's been more trying. So I looked at my list and on top of my groceries is the cat food. Every time that comes up, I cringe. I know it's going to be a tight week. You see, the cat eats this pricey food because, well....she really does do better on it. I am so tempted to get her cheap stuff, but I know it won't work.

So...there I am. It's the week with the cat food. Uggh. So...after a few stops, I head into Aldi. I grab my cart full of stuff and once again...God has been generous to me. I am filled with gratitude....knowing the food budget is going pretty well this time. I head out to the van and start stuffing things into boxes. I am about to shut the trunk when I spot a vagrant. I walked off to put my cart away. The closer I got to my van, the more and more angry I became. I managed to get in my car without being accosted, but he stood in FRONT of my van. He wasn't obnoxious...it was more like God posting a giant arrow saying "Look here, dummy!!" I backed out and tried to get out of there as fast as I could. Down the road I sped to Walmart.

How dare he even THINK about asking me for money!! I have 8 people to feed plus one of them has food allergies, another one is hypoglycemic, and we only have one income. Every self righteous thought went through my mind. We're trying to get out of debt. I have to buy books for my kids for school. My girls are trying to find jobs and there aren't many out there and lots of people are looking. We're losing a perfectly good car JUST because it needs a catalytic converter and the stupid manufacturer put it under the axle and it is $$ to repair. Plus if I have money, shouldn't I give it to the people I KNOW who could use it? I've got friends and family alike who could use it. And of course, there are church things... Plus, you know those guys who hold signs and ask from money REALLY don't need it. Ski gave an apple to a guy downtown once and his friend told him the guy threw it away. They don't really NEED money. They just want a freebie...

In less than a mile, I was walking in the entrance to Walmart. As I yanked a cart from the row, I was flooded with conviction...

Scriptures flooded my mind. And following scriptures came all those songs from Christian radio and church....

Everyone needs compassion, Love that's never failing; Let mercy fall on me. -- Hillsong (can't find an songwriter)

Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me your heart for the once forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see -- Brandon Heath

Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. Colossians 3: 12-14

How could I have compassion for those who suffer in other countries or those who suffer and "look nice," but not have compassion for this man? Hadn't God blessed me abundantly? It's so funny, well, not funny...maybe more sad... how I "forget" how much I've been blessed when a need is pulling at my heart. Wasn't I called to be compassionate to those who suffer around me? And then I wondered....what if I was the only Christian he came across...and what had I done? I ran away as fast as I could trying to pretend I did not notice. God had given me the perfect opportunity to reach out and care for those who were less fortunate than me and I had blown it. Did I really care about the suffering world around me?

And in the next moment, I felt God call me to reach out to this man. Scaaaarey!!! I was alone. And a woman!! Was it safe? But no....it was clear. God told me as if He had been standing next to me...go get him some food!! And if there's one thing I do, is when I hear that voice loud and clear like that, I obey!!

I almost turned around and went to ask him what he would like. But instead, felt I should go shop FOR him. He might not be able to tell me what he wanted. This way, I could get things and offer them all to him. So recalling that when Ski went to the soup kitchen they said they gave them high protein foods since they don't get much, I bought a number of items I thought would work -- portable, easy to eat and open without utensils. So I bought my groceries and a bag of food for this man and a sub from the subway with all the veggies.

I thought about getting gas since I was close to running out, but it was getting dark. Plus Aldi would close soon... I drove over to Aldi. I crawled through the parking lot looking for him...trying to recall what he was wearing. I was near tears when I realized he had gone. I left the parking lot and sat at the red light. It was starting to rain. Yucky...driving in traffic, in the rain at dusk... Just then, sitting at the light, I caught a glimpse of a man trudging through a parking lot. Was that him? Then I noticed the slight limp and I knew. I turned the corner and steered into the parking lot of a Hardees and cornered him. I rolled down my window.

I explained that I was a Christian and that I had seen him at Aldi and that I don't give out money, but I felt God tell me to buy him some food. I showed him what I bought. I told him I had the sandwich made just for him. He didn't want a few things, but when he saw the milk....wow was he excited. I wished I had bought a larger container!! And I looked into his eyes. And while he didn't say thank you, I could tell he was excited and I think grateful even though he was disappointed I did not give him money. I am not sure he was coherent enough to say thank you. But in the silence where neither of us knew quite what to say, I think I saw the eyes of Christ. There in the face of a man that people rush away from and try to pretend they do not see. I handed it all in a bag to him and drove away.

And as I drove away, I burst into tears as I remembered these verses ....

‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’ Matthew 25: 34-40

I want my life to reflect these passages rather than the verses following like it did today. Sad to say, it's an every day fight.