At the Edge of the Eye

Happy storm that wrecks a man on such a rock as this!  O blessed hurricane that drives the soul to God and God alone! ~CH Spurgeon

Living in the South, I've learned a bit about hurricanes.   One of the problems with them is that they are not just rain.  They are full of wind and rain.  Not only is there damage in the form of downed trees and powerlines, but also flooding can occur.  In addition, often tornadoes are spawned.  When the hurricane batters the shore, entire landscapes are changed.  And I know what kind of pressure to hope for when a hurricane comes wandering our way.

While I grew up in the North, I do have memories of Agnes.   When she came, she caused widespread flooding.  All over Eastern PA, there are high water marks designating flooding in 1972.   When we were moving my parents, I came across a Valentines Day card written by my brother with the lines, "My love for you is like the Susquehanna River in 1972.  Overflowing!"   I always thought it was a bit humorous to think that while Agnes was known for extensive flooding, we spent a portion of the storm hiding in our basement.  Moments before heading down the basement stairs, my frantic mother chastised my father for racing around the back yard in a hail storm to rescue the trash can lids.  It wasn't until years later that as an adult, I realized that Agnes had given birth to tornadoes in our town and our basement was a safe refuge since we lived on a hill above the river.

The worst part of the hurricane is the eastern side, near the eye wall.  And here is where I have felt I have been for the past several months.  This is where the winds are relentless.  It's where the storm surge pounds away at the shoreline.  In a way, the storm has not been devastating.  However, it has been relentless.  Over and over the wind and the rain has pounded.  In the piece that the above is taken from, it later states:

When he is burdened with troubles so pressing and so peculiar,that he cannot tell them to any but his God,
he may be thankful for them;for he will learn more of his Lord then
than at any other time.Oh, tempest-tossed believer, it is a happy trouble
that drives you to your Father!

This is how most of my burdens have been.  Shared with my husband, and maybe a friend.  Some I've shared with no one.  So pressing and so peculiar....  It matters not what those burdens are for this post.  I've told Ski that the weight I carry is not unbearable nor is it tragic.  It is simply heavy, burdensome and wearying.  It is that continuous crashing of the storm surge that seems endless.  Lightning strikes, tornadoes, rain and wind.  Things that no one sees unless they peak behind the scenes of my outermost life.  More and more.  Over and over.

As  I sat there, I glanced across the aisle and saw the couple who I knew were deeply burdened by troubles  with faces filled with gladness.  I saw the father out of work filled with hope.  I saw  the mother who faced greater and more burdensome trials than I overflowing with joy.  But still, I was disheartened and feeling my mortal frailty.

And yet, in years past, I would have always given into doubts.

Where is God?

Why has He left me?

Why is He unkind?

Where have I failed?

Not so. 
In worship, I sat with tears streaming down my face.  Not always able to sing, but sometimes we worship deeply in tears.  Although my head leaned downward, my heart lifted my cares to the Lord.   In need of the ability to genuinely weep without feelings of awkwardness, I walked toward the door.  I sought refuge in the chilled wind of the morning under the comforting arms of a tree.  There, I bore my soul to my Lord, who I knew without a doubt was with me even in my discouragement.  My Father who listened to my grief,  There was no necessity for me to reveal my cares, for He already knew.  But still I called upon He who had designed each and every burden I faced with deep love for me.  I spilled upon the ground things that none but perhaps my family knew.  The troubles I carry every day which no one sees. 

And I sat there asking Him to fill my heart with gratitude.
I no longer wish to look at the storm clouds as dreadful and looming.  I long to see His glory and workmanship in  tumultuous the power.  There is but one place to put my hold among this sand which shifts and spills about.  There is a rock.  A foundation deeper than any I have made.  Firmer than any I depend upon.  There is the only solace in the storms of my life.  

When I told my dear Ski that I felt I was being hammered by the storm and waves, he gently said:
"You are!!   Hammered into something beautiful!!"
What a blessing he is to me!!

    In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.
(1 Peter 1:6-7)

I'm not perfect.
Just a girl.
An ordinary girl.
And every day, I feel like I move one step forward and seemingly two steps back. 
And every day, we live out the verse that is on our blog banner.  
And every day, we consider that the days of adversity are from the hand of our beloved Lord as well as those of prosperity....and there is kindness and joy in them.

Tonight, as I wept again, my son looked at me with worried eyes and all he could pray was "Lord, please help..."  I squeezed him tight and told him, "It's ok.  Sometimes God gives us tears, but He is doing good things!!"

And I really believe it is true.