Not Such a Bad Thing (Part II)

Aug 8th....I arrived at the office where my dr talked with us. She was immensely kind. They had an emergency meeting to discuss my case and had decided I should deliver naturally. They were concerned that surgery and grief and the care of three young children would be too much for me. They also told me that they did not want me to feel pain if at all possible. They would induce me and let me progress until they were sure I was in labor and then we would start the epidural.

We went to the hospital and got settled in a room. We were told that everyone who came in the room would know the situation so we would not have to explain anything.

Our dear pastor came in a number of time or two during the day. I don't remember anyone else coming until much later. Ski and I spent most of the day talking, sometimes crying and an occasional laugh. Little did I know, but this was the beginning of the blessings to come.

We had been there all day and I now had my epidural. I was getting close. Because me epidural was very strong (more medication than usual), I began having incredible itching. A little later, I was close to delivery and a friend, Susan, had stopped by. She worked with moms who gave their babied up for adoption and was very familiar with moms in labor who needed comfort. She was like a refreshing glass of cool water for me. And later at home, she blessed me with gifts and just showered me with love and care.

During delivery, I think I cried the entire time. It was so hard because he was complete breach and so emotionally difficult. It was close to midnight when he finally arrived. He was 8lb 13oz and absolutely beautiful. He looked completely normal and reminded me of my father, who he was named after. Moments later, our pastor arrived for one last visit and he was able to hold and see our handsome son. He was the only person we personally know who saw him on this earth. We spent a few hours with holding our son. And finally, we said goodbye.

I never knew that your eyes could hurt from crying. But I never knew how much grace God would give me to walk through those days. I remember sitting in the restaurant at Mast General Store and crying, unable to eat. I don't remember eating much for about a month. I remember meals coming and Ski handing me plates and crying every other bite. At the same time, I often found myself comforting others and encouraging them.

It was a long and somewhat difficult road. I really can't share everything that was birthed in those hard days. It would take me quite a while and you wouldn't be reading anymore. But these are two....

I learned that God gave me Ski because he compliments me in every way. Our relationship changed in amazing ways. In fact the depth of our relationship is something that I consider the biggest gift that God gave us through the life and death of our son, Asher. What began during those bleak days has become even more precious to me during these past 15 years.

There were a number of trials since then that lead to the next lesson.
But the birth of our son also birthed deep lessons about who God is and what He's doing. I learned that God is always, always, ALWAYS good....even when we can't see it. His plan is greater. His plan is better. He is after more than I can see. He is after my heart. The stuff that happens in my life happens because God is at work and He is doing something amazing. All I have to do is to be faithful and wait awhile. I may not see ALL that he is doing here, but I can trust that it is all good and for my benefit.

What my children have meant to me through suffering and what they learn as they walk through questions of life and death has been precious to me as well. We have walked these roads together and it has impacted their lives. We often have had the occasion to speak about death and how life is so brief and momentary and we never know the number of our days.

The life of my son is such a reminder to me of Christ. I understand differently the sacrifice of a son. And I long even more for a reunion with my Savior than I do for my son. And my children see how their love for their brother, who they have never met, is how our love for Christ is.

So....I don't think it is such a bad thing at all. ;)

Happy birthday, Asher Josiah.
And thank you Lord for giving me so much through the life of my son!!