Well, not really.
But it could be.
We as a human race....we often think we are really smart. I used to think that adults grew wiser as they grew older. I often thought teens were the impulsive and often "too big for the britches" kind of people. But I've begun to learn that in general, I think many of us tend to be this way. We think we know a lot. We pride ourselves in our knowledge of life. We know so much. And yet...I'm beginning to think we really don't know a whole lot at all.
For... let's say....the past six months...I've been chronically ill. At first it was not daily. But since October, I have been sick every day. Every single day. Some days have been better than others. Some days have been downright awful. For a variety of reasons, I haven't shared my troubles with the people around me. My family knows. A select few people know. I told the first person in November. But many of those people only recently found out. God has been dealing tremendously in the area of complaining in my heart.
And for the past six months, more life has come at me than I think I'd ever care to recount here. Let's just say that when the day came that the car we were hoping to fix was accidentally driven through the garage door, I should have cried. I should have fallen on the ground and had the biggest temper tantrum that you have ever seen. But instead, I laughed. I laughed so hard, tears were in my eyes.
But it hasn't been until now that I am crying uncle.
I am at a good place.
A very good place.
You wouldn't think it.
But I am.
I am so weary of my daily ordeal that I sometimes feel like another step will be impossible. Some days, I just want to have that temper tantrum right in front of a bunch of people who have no idea what has transpired for me the past few months.
But I have no doubt that God is doing some really good things. I have learned so much through this time. I've not learned it in perfection. I've stumbled my way through it. Hitting my head, falling headlong, and reluctantly getting up again.
Not all of my questions are answered.
In fact, I have some more.
But I'm getting closer.
I've got some more stuff piled on top, but it will be ok.
It is more than OK.
Because God is sustaining me every step of the way.
This quote from J I Packer sums up nicely where I'm at (Remember....it's a process):
God uses chronic pain and weakness, along with other afflictions, as his chisel for sculpting our lives. Felt weakness deepens dependence on Christ for strength each day. The weaker we feel, the harder we lean. And the harder we lean, the stronger we grow spiritually, even while our bodies waste away. To live with your 'thorn' uncomplainingly -- that is, sweet, patient, and free in heart to love and help others, even though every day you feel weak -- is true sanctification. It is true healing for the spirit. It is a supreme victory of grace. The healing of your sinful person thus goes forward, even though the healing of your mortal body does not. And the healing of persons is the name of the game so far as God is concerned.
So back to the thing about what we know. Or don't.
When I told my friend in November a piece of what I had been dealing with, she told me, "I had NO idea."
I wasn't sure entirely how to respond. I almost felt I should apologize. But looking back, I think it has just been a lovely (and I do mean lovely) design of God that lead me not to share the intimate details of my daily struggles with everyone that I know. Not only for the benefit of less complaining on my part, but for how God has been showing me the silent lost, hurting, and needy around me.
All around us, there are people. Some people are sick. Some people are hurting. Some people have been trampled on by life. Some people are just downright downtrodden. We think we know all about it.
Do we?
Do we know what God is really doing?
Nope.
We don't.
It drives me bananas when people don't listen to the real truth of the matter or dig deep.
We give out bandaids and nice words.
What good is that?!?!?!
When we suffer, there's a reason for it.
I firmly believe that God does not want us to slough off suffering, dismiss it, or try to run away from it.
So many people are afraid of suffering.
Time and time again, when I've been in the depths of despair, Ski has looked at me frankly and said,
"B.....What if it really WAS the worst. Your worst case scenario. What if THAT happened?"
And time and time again, I've come up with....
Nothing.
It really wouldn't change anything.
What if what you are dealing with right now, turned to your worst scenario?
How would that change things?
I had to sit and think about what that would be.
Death would surely be welcome for me, as I have high hopes as a Christian.
And if I believe that if this is a lifelong road that I am on, God is not absent from that.
Even more severe pain and illness? God hasn't left me in this yet. Why would He now?
So what is worse than any of those?
God has real answers for people who are suffering.
He doesn't have leaky bandaids and hopeless curealls.
He has MORE.
SOOOOO much more!!!
He is after our hearts and not our physical or mental comfort.
Why would we deny that?
Let me tell you, you can run away from suffering, but if God is working on your heart, he's going to have His way.
No doubt about it.
How much more could we learn if we stood openhanded throwing our totally openhearted trust to Him?
