Leaking Dishwashers

Yesterday, there was water on the floor.
I thought someone had spilled something.

Nope.

My dishwasher was leaking.  I told Ski, "Well, it isn't the waterline so we're good.  I'll just handwash our dishes for awhile.   It's ok."
 I looked at it as an opportunity to actually spend time with the Lord.

I came downstairs today and there was water on the floor.
Again.

Turns out, we can't leave the hot water on because, it will just keep on leaking.

I'm the fix it lady and well, it could be like six things.   Most of them dealing with gaskets, but also replacing motors.  Way beyond the scope of people like Ski and me.  So it looks like another dishwasher is in our future. 

I used to think that many of my problems were because I had failed.  I figured that they were all punishments from God.  Thankfully, God wanted to show me that this was not the case.  He led our family through a number of trials that gently led me to a clearer understanding of His character.   When I began to understand more about God and His character, I began to understand more about what His intentions were in my life. 

Then, you know, all your friends look at your life and say,
"Hey.....God must be disciplining you!"
What they mean is that you must be doing something wrong, so change it and this stuff will stop.
They make you sift through your life to find everywhere that you've failed.  If you're truly lucky, your friend will give you suggestions on what they think your problem is.
Maybe you should eat this or not eat that.
Maybe you should see this doctor or that one.
Maybe you should........
Just fill in the blank.
It isn't hard.  If you know me, I'm sure you could give me some sage advice on where I'm falling short.  Hey, I willingly admit I'm not perfect and I need a ton of help.
I just disagree on where the bulk of my help should come from.   
Besides, no matter how much we change what or how we do things, as a Christian you will never escape the trials that come your way.   We'll always have sickness, things will always break, people will always sin against us.  It is part of the fun we get to have living in a fallen world.  

What ever happened to saying, "I'm sorry" and praying for your friend?
I think we need lots more of this!!!

I have come full circle here and have come to see that a lot of what God does IS discipline.
But the usual connotations that come from that word are almost always negative.
Discipline is because you've been bad.
You need to be corrected.

On the contrary.  The word discipline comes from the same root as disciple.  The Latin word discipulus,  from which discipline is derived, means pulpil.  The initial meaning for discipline is instruction.  But when your friend tells you to consider that God is disciplining you, you can be sure this is not what they mean.  But friends, this is what I think God is doing.   The point isn't for my brother to change me, or for me to necessarily change my circumstances so I have less pain and suffering.   The point is for GOD to change ME.  He has stuff I need to learn.  Maybe it's different from what you need to learn.  God made each of us unique.  He has also given us all unique trials to face in our lives each with a unique reason behind it.

No matter where we are in the world, the human condition is the same.  When we don't have food we're hungry.  When we're hurt, we cry.   I often imagine that a woman who lives in South Sudan  in the midst of  civil war and doubts whether she will live another day and me laying on my couch with a horrible sore throat that lasts 7 days have heart issues that can be the very same thing.  We can still both struggle with the same temptations.   They're just painted on different canvases.  So no matter who you are, God is in trials and has something bigger for you!!

God has lessons for me in a leaking dishwasher.
Just as He has lessons for me in watching my children suffer, three sets of hospital bills, a totaled van,  a broken garage door, chronic illness, and fruitless job searches these past six months.   None of these issues have been "fixed," but that does not mean that God has left us.  In fact, I think He is more at work in these every day than in a life of ease.  

So as I wait for my water to boil so I can wash my morning dishes, I thought I'd share my thoughts with you on the why I am edging closer and closer to being able to rejoice at the moment I discover a problem in my life.  God has nothing but good for me!!!

I'm not there yet, but maybe with just a few more trials...;)

What We Think we Know

It's funny.
Well, not really.
But it could be.

We as a human race....we often think we are really smart.  I used to think that adults grew wiser as they grew older.  I often thought teens were the impulsive and often "too big for the britches" kind of people.  But I've begun to learn that in general, I think many of us tend to be this way.  We think we know a lot.  We pride ourselves in our knowledge of life.  We know so much.  And yet...I'm beginning to think we really don't know a whole lot at all.

For... let's say....the past six months...I've been chronically ill.  At first it was not daily.  But since October, I have been sick every day.   Every single day.   Some days have been better than others.  Some days have been downright awful.  For a variety of reasons, I haven't shared my troubles with the people around me.  My family knows.  A select few people know.  I told the first person in November.  But many of those people only recently found out.   God has been dealing tremendously in the area of complaining in my heart.

And for the past six months, more life has come at me than I think I'd ever care to recount here.  Let's just say that when the day came that the car we were hoping to fix was accidentally driven through the garage door, I should have cried.  I should have fallen on the ground and had the biggest temper tantrum that you have ever seen.  But instead, I laughed.   I laughed so hard, tears were in my eyes. 

But it hasn't been until now that I am crying uncle.
I am at a good place.
A very good place.
You wouldn't think it.
But I am.
I am so weary of my daily ordeal that I sometimes feel like another step will be impossible.  Some days, I just want to have that temper tantrum right in front of a bunch of people who have no idea what has transpired for me the past few months.
But I have no doubt that God is doing some really good things.  I have learned so much through this time.  I've not learned it in perfection.  I've stumbled my way through it.  Hitting my head, falling headlong, and reluctantly getting up again. 

Not all of my questions are answered.
In fact, I have some more.
But I'm getting closer.
I've got some more stuff piled on top, but it will be ok.
It is more than OK.
Because God is sustaining me every step of the way.

This quote from J I Packer  sums up nicely where I'm at (Remember....it's a process):

God uses chronic pain and weakness, along with other afflictions, as his chisel for sculpting our lives.  Felt weakness deepens dependence on Christ for strength each day.  The weaker we feel, the harder we lean.  And the harder we lean, the stronger we grow spiritually, even while our bodies waste away.  To live with your 'thorn' uncomplainingly -- that is, sweet, patient, and free in heart to love and help others, even though every day you feel weak -- is true sanctification.  It is true healing for the spirit.  It is a supreme victory of grace.  The healing of your sinful person thus goes forward, even though the healing of your mortal body does not.  And the healing of persons is the name of the game so far as God is concerned.
 

So back to the thing about what we know.   Or don't.
When I told my friend in November a piece of what I had been dealing with, she told me, "I had NO idea."
I wasn't sure entirely how to respond.  I almost felt I should apologize.  But looking back, I think it has just been a lovely (and I do mean lovely) design of God that lead me not to share the intimate details of my daily struggles with everyone that I know.   Not only for the benefit of less complaining on my part, but for how God has been showing me the silent lost, hurting, and needy around me.

All around us, there are people.  Some people are sick.  Some people are hurting.  Some people have been trampled on by life.  Some people are just downright downtrodden.  We think we know all about it.

Do we?

Do we know what God is really doing?
Nope.
We don't.
It drives me bananas when people don't listen to the real truth of the matter or dig deep.
We give out bandaids and nice words.
What good is that?!?!?! 
When we suffer, there's a reason for it.
I firmly believe that God does not want us to slough off suffering, dismiss it, or try to run away from it.
So many people are afraid of suffering.

Time and time again, when I've been in the depths of despair, Ski has looked at me frankly and said,
"B.....What if it really WAS the worst.  Your worst case scenario.  What if THAT happened?"
And time and time again, I've come up with....
Nothing.
It really wouldn't change anything.

What if what you are dealing with right now, turned to your worst scenario?
How would that change things?
I had to sit and think about what that would be.
Death would surely be welcome for me, as I have high hopes as a Christian.
And if I believe that if this is a lifelong road that I am on, God is not absent from that.
Even more severe pain and illness?  God hasn't left me in this yet.  Why would He now?
So what is worse than any of those?

God has real answers for people who are suffering.
He doesn't have leaky bandaids and hopeless curealls.
He has MORE.
SOOOOO much more!!!
He  is after our hearts and not our physical or mental comfort.
Why would we deny that?
Let me tell you, you can run away from suffering, but if God is working on your heart, he's going to have His way.
No doubt about it.
How much more could we learn if we stood openhanded throwing our totally openhearted trust to Him?