My father is dying.
I haven't said anything because I know I see relatives on Facebook and somewhere in my jaded mind, I think people actually read my blog. I've been coping with this for awhile now. The people who know me well are probably sick of hearing about it. But it is a big deal for me. I'm actually going to go visit him soon. To say goodbye. Without saying goodbye. It took me a long time to decide if I was going. Whenever I say goodbye to my parents, I always figure that I may never see them again. But I also worked with dying people. Very often they wait. They wait for people to come or events to pass before they die. So after thinking and praying a long time about it, I decided to go and see him one last time so that he will not wait for me.
I also have a friend who is dying.
I've been thinking a lot about my dad. And my friend. I've been thinking about the opportunity that they have.
What would you do differently if you were dying? Is there someone that you would see? Is there something that you would do?
You see, the knowledge of our impending death affords us the chance to do things we might not have otherwise done. People have the tendency to live life differently in the face of death. They cherish their time more. They fill it with meaning. Even Christ did this when he gathered his disciples around him the evening before his death and ate with them. He shared one of the most important meals of the year with those he loved most.
In this modern society, we rarely think about tomorrow. We don't look at how much the small things matter. We speak harshly to our husband or our children. We mistreat people. We work too long. We don't call. We say foolish things. We obsess over material things and think little of those around us.
When I was a CNA, one of my patients KNEW she was dying. She didn't appear sick. But she definitely knew. Every night, she'd have important conversations with me. She'd tell me about the latest sermon she heard. She'd tell me to be sure and send her dress, the one she was to be buried in, to be cleaned. She'd give me sage and precious advice. And she talked incessantly about visiting her granddaughter's inn. In fact, she talked about it so much, on our day off, my co-worker and I drove her 2 hrs to have lunch cooked by her granddaughter, the chef. I will never forget that day. Not because the meal was so wonderful. But because she was so pleased that her face glowed for days. Not long after that, she developed a blood clot, went into the hospital and died. I do not think that my sweet friend regretted a single moment of her final days.
But here's the problem. You and I. It is likely that we will not know when our final day might be. It may be so sudden an unexpected that we will not know until we are in the presence of God. And that's what I've been thinking about.
There is so much in my life already to regret. While God's saving love has covered my multitude of sins, that does not mean I still am happy and pleased with all of my choices. And still....I continue to make wrong choices. I get angry. I am lazy. I say stupid things. I wonder....would I still make those same choices if I knew that I wouldn't take my next breath? Would I ungraciously criticize a brother or say those angry words to my spouse if they were dying?
So if we would act differently if we knew we were dying, why not act differently now? The question is...
What kind of legacy am I leaving?
When people look back on my life, will they think I was a loving, forgiving person? Will they consider my anger? Will they remember my foolish words? I am not convinced that the legacy I am creating is worthy of being remembered. And if I claim to be a Christian, does my life draw people to Christ or away from him? And worse yet, would my Lord be pleased? Will He look at my life and tell me that I have done well? Or will he shake his head sorrowfully thinking of how I have pushed others away from knowing Him? So, I've decided that I'm going to spend more time seeking after the things that scripture urges me to seek after. I don't think I can create the perfect legacy. But there are things I see that don't please me, and I can be different!!
But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.
If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another.
(Galatians 5:16-26 ESV)
I can leave a legacy of love.
I can leave a legacy of joy.
I can leave a legacy of peace.
I can leave a legacy of patience.
Of kindness.
Of goodness.
Of faithfulness.
Of gentleness.
And of self-control.
I can do all these things because Christ, who gives me strength, has enabled me to do so.
When I think about the days ahead when my father dies, the first thing I think of is how I will long to see him once again in heaven, healed and completely whole. I think of how I will hear his voice singing praises to the Lord. And I think of the joy I will feel to be reunited with my father.
I long for that day even more when I will be united, too, with my heavenly father and I long to hear how pleased He was with my humble little life.
