Sometimes, no matter how much you like your life, there are times when responsibility just hangs heavy on you. The past year or so, it seems my life as a wife and mother seems full of more pressure and responsibility than ever before. I have teens rounding the end of their schooling with me. They have relationships which need care and tending. Some of them are becoming some pretty neat people. And keeping up with Ski seems to be a full time job as well. Even though he works from home and is here almost all the time, there are days that go by where we barely speak. Things at work are constantly changing and sometimes that brings new challenges. We work hard at staying in close contact, but it is not an easy task. Add to all of that the shopping, cleaning, and work that needs to be done around here and I feel like I sometimes have three full time jobs. I do NOT know how you working moms do it. So as the days fly by, I feel as if I am the persistent plate spinner trying hard to keep everything from crashing down around my feet. And trying not to become stressed and anxious about any of it. I long for a life of solitude and tranquility. Funny thing for a mother of 6 to say, huh? But that's what I love. Peace and quiet. And I rarely have it. But sometimes, I see my longing for solitude comes from the plate-spinning life that surrounds me. I love vacation...void of responsibilities for the most part. This is when I allow my kids to just have fun and make some noise. I like to be noisy with them. And when I find my world less stressful, we make more noise and have more fun. But here I am spinning my plates......again. Not only that, but into my already busy life enter in other responsibilities. When this happens, I have the tendency to want to shut down and run away. And let me tell you, the temptation is great!!! But....more than desiring to run away is my sense of responsibility. Ski would be the first to tell you that I would take on WAY more than is wise simply because I think I SHOULD. That is part of the reason why I gave him my schedule. He knew it was wise to say no for his wife because it would preserve my health and sanity.
However, sometimes we can't say no. Sometimes, people need us. And as I am preparing my home physically and myself mentally for a trip far from my family and their pressing needs, I have begun to ponder the investments I am making. While my children and husband stand to gain nothing immediately from my absence, there are many who WILL gain. I've begun to see it as a series of deposits. Time and effort poured out in a tactical and practical way upon the lives of my parents who are in great need. I could sit home and say "Someone SHOULD do something," but my words have no validity if I have no action to show for them. And if I say I love my parents, what does it show them if I sit here at home and say "What can I do?"
My family finds it a hardship for me to not be here. While it is true that three of my children are teens, they are not wives, mothers, or even adults. What they take on in my absence is not a job that was designed for them to do. Perhaps one day, it will be, but to leave a family of 7 in their hands is burdensome to say the least. And yet, as Ski reminded me in the car this evening, these will be precious days. While in the past my desire was to bring my aging parents into my home to live with me, God has made it ever apparent that this is not His call for my life. No matter how good my intentions may be, He has closed that door over and over again....from the practical to the wise council of a well timed conversation to reveal aspects of a choice I had not considered. Although I will miss the idyllic days of my children connecting with my parents as we all age together, I have days to cherish NOW.There is no guarantee that I will have another year to visit. The older I get, the more I see my days slip by. So an investment in a few short days may yield sweet and irreplaceable memories for not only me, but also my parents. There is so much to do and I feel so ill equipped. I am not organizational and I lack methodology. I am sooooo lacking. And if you just read that line, please PRAY!!!!! I seriously need prayers!!! And I am sure that Ski would like some, too. There is such an urgency. Such a limited amount of time. So much work. It will be over sooner than I think.
So I go knowing that my allergies will flare, I will loose precious sleep, the inevitable conflicts will arise, and my patience will crumble all too fast, and the work will be overwhelming and at times, unbearable. What I have to offer is so small and limited. Believe me....VERY limited. But I also joyfully know that God will do something beyond my expectations. How fleeting these sufferings will be. How momentary these light afflictions. For there is something good going on that is more important here. I only hope that in the end I will not be the only one to benefit.
