Looking for Light Where there is Shadow

Today was a day filled with tears and joy in a strange commingling of emotions.

My family presently finds itself walking through a trial that is difficult for all of us in many different ways.

Ten months ago, we opened our hearts and our home to a puppy. She was 6 months old when she came to us. She was a beauty to us, but not trained at all. Not only that, but when she came to us, deep seated fears came to the surface. For my youngest daughter, it was her fear of dogs. She would not even pet a docile dog that on occasion visited the library. For me, it was the fact that we had attempted dog ownership before, but it ended with the animal biting me not once, but twice. And this new dog looked eerily like the old dog to me. Slowly, both my daughter and I overcame our fears. Slowly, we learned to reach out to our dog and not be afraid.

Along with fear issues, we needed training. After much work, we got her to a point where she would willingly walk with us down the street. But I recall a number of walks where she would flop over and roll on her back in a yelp designed to sound as painful as possible. But we were consistent and told her no and even though it took us 20 minutes to get down the street and back with all of the neighbors staring, she finally learned to walk with us.

And while she never was destructive, she would find ANYTHING left on the floor and chew it. We were forever pulling things out of her mouth. I will never forget our first day of school when she swallowed a five foot therapy band and I had to learn how to induce vomiting. Or the first time she found a rolled up sock. I don't know who was more scared...her or us. I quickly learned to always have toys for her to chew. While our selection dwindled to a choice few, she grew to be content with those toys and they kept her quite busy.

We fell into a pattern and our care for her grew into love. Unfortunately, as these things grew, my health began to deteriorate. While I knew I had something a little more than exercise induced asthma, I only had asthma attacks once in awhile -- usually outside. Not long after we brought her home, I began having daily asthma attacks. I finally saw an allergist and discovered that my lungs were quite compromised. When I saw the allergist in Nov, my nasal passages had improved, but were still quite bad. And finally over the last two months, things had grown much worse. After never having a sinus infection, I had one massive one that needed two antibiotics to kick and led me to be ill for the entire month of Feb and most of March. So we made the heartbreaking decision to say goodbye to our beloved dog.

It is difficult to be in a place where you know what you decide will deeply hurt those that you love the most. This is my children's first experience with death (other than their brother who they did not know, really). While it isn't a REAL death, it is the death of a deep and close relationship that they had. It breaks my heart time and again to watch them go through this. And yet, I have assured them that we will be happy again someday. And it will be ok when we are happy. It breaks my heart to think of how difficult it must be for my dear husband to know how much pain this choice has caused us all. I do not envy his position as father and dad, but I deeply admire and love him for his gentle leadership through this time. We all love him and know that the decision was the right one, but our hearts are hurting.

So today...we spent the day, half of us still not feeling well, spending time together. We cried through lunch, had some flavored ice at Rita's, getting flowers, cried some at home, talked and hugged, and remembered our dear friend, had some dinner, listened to my amazing daughter sing her grief to us, cried some more, and watched a movie together. It is amazing to hear my children speak to me about their perspective on the whole thing. It is amazing to hear what they think God is doing through it. And how they all listen and remember in their own way. Someday, when someone they love dies, I know they will look back and remember and use what they have learned now and in the days ahead. How everyone grieves differently and how even if friends don't understand or seem to care, the people who are going through those things do. I pray this brings our family even closer as we cling to each other through our grief. What a gift our Belle would give us if she left us closer as a family than when she found us.

Thank you, Belley dog, for loving us unconditionally, teaching us to work hard, helping us to learn to love you, and for bringing us joy!! We miss you, dear Pupperdoodles!!