Waiting....

This of all nights is my very favorite night of the year.

I've been thinking about it all day long!!! Just waiting for tonight. The last minutes of preparation. The last few hours of the day. And as they slowly pass, my heart races more and more!!

There are Christmas Eves that stand out in my mind from my childhood. The year I was about 4 when we stood on the doorstep and watched the snow fall. The year I lived in an area settled predominantly by Eastern Europeans when we lit a candle to remember those an ocean away who felt like our brothers and neighbors. But more than those instances, what spoke to me was anticipation.

My parents did not promote Santa like some parents. But I still had a feeling he was out there somewhere and real!! I read a book once that talked about a time that was a moment after midnight that was magical. I figured that this must be when Santa came. And in the morning...to see all my parents had done in the night to transform our home was simply magical. I spent many nights, even after I outgrew Santa, waiting and staring out at the cold night sky twinkling with stars.

I awaited with longing...
I awaited with anticipation...
I awaited the events that tomorrow would hold...

And as I have grown older, my anticipation has grown. But I wait for something different. It isn't the food, the gifts, or the memories. Don't get me wrong....I love that part. I am a STRONG traditionalist and I have things I do every year. I do them because they speak to me and remind me of family I am far from. But what I eat, give or get is no longer the focus of my attention. It is because I have learned to identify so closely with those who awaited the Messiah who was promised. I wonder how they would feel if only they knew on that night so long ago, that that very night would be the last night of their longing. Finally, their prayers would be answered!! It thrills me just to even think about it. No....tomorrow isn't the actual birthday of Jesus. But I can celebrate it as if it were. And there is a kind of excitement in my heart thinking that tomorrow is the day. And as I consider it, I have a thrill inside thinking about what it must have been like that day. Tomorrow is the day I can celebrate that my Savior arrived...He came as a tiny baby, lowly and seemingly unimportant, to take my sins upon himself and to pay the ransom for my soul. It is because of that night so long ago on a random insignificant day, that I am now free and considered blameless and He calls me His beloved.

I think that's something worth waiting for!!!


Come, Thou Long Expected Jesus


Come, Thou long expected Jesus
Born to set Thy people free;
From our fears and sins release us,
Let us find our rest in Thee.
Israel’s Strength and Consolation,
Hope of all the earth Thou art;
Dear Desire of every nation,
Joy of every longing heart.

Born Thy people to deliver,
Born a child and yet a King,
Born to reign in us forever,
Now Thy gracious kingdom bring.
By Thine own eternal Spirit
Rule in all our hearts alone;
By Thine all sufficient merit,
Raise us to Thy glorious throne.

52

My father.
His father died when he was 17.
He hitchhiked to college every day in order to get his degree.
He was a teacher.
He had a girl he asked to marry.
She said no.
And then the Lord...
A man came to speak at his church one night.
And my dad's life changed forever.
Off he went to seminary to become a pastor.

My mother.
She was a teacher.
She went to Florida to teach in a mission.
She met a man.
Things were getting serious.
He asked her to come home and meet his parents.
And then the Lord...
Her brother died and she went home instead.
God spoke to her and her life changed forever....
She finished the year, ended her relationship, and left to go to seminary.

My father was smitten right away.
He asked her out on three dates the first time he got the courage to ask her out.
Their first date was in the fall.
Mom was fiesty.
She whacked him with a newspaper once.
That's what you get when you date a redhead!!
But she also brought him chicken soup and orange juice when he got sick.
Dad was the envy of the entire campus.
On Feb 14, my father proposed.
And then less than a year after they met,
On a hot August afternoon,
They were married.
Dad was 28 and mom was 32.

My mother who said,
She would never marry a minister
Did.

Two of the most influential people in my life.
They've been married for
Fifty-two years today.
Years of joy
Years of sadness
Years of difficulty.
All years full of devotion to each other.
They are an example, even today,
Of love that never fails.
Love that never gives up.
Love that loves despite everything else.

Happy Anniversary, mom and dad!!!
And Thank You!!

Never in a Million Years

Having kids has brought into my life many situations that I have always said, "Never in a million years did I imagine I'd be...."

A few years ago, after a dog came to live with us, I discovered I had asthma that was out of control. I think I've always had it. My doctors tell me this, too. It certainly explains a lot about my life...especially in regards to singing and flute playing. My life seriously went downhill when we got our dog. I spent much of my life on the couch and had three sinus infections. While I tested negative to dog, I suspect it was a false negative due to limited exposure. Or maybe it was simply the fact that our dog shed 24 hours a day and 365 days a year. Nevertheless, we got to a point where something had to go....the cat or the dog. Since the cat had lived with us for a longer time, we rehomed our dog. My live improved dramatically. But it was a very sad time for my children and I.

My doctors tell me that they suspect I've always been allergic to cats. I've had one in my house for my entire life except for my college years and for about 4yrs of our early married life. When I first went to have this problem addressed, I had no less than two doctors exclaim regarding my nose and ask if I could actually smell. When I first began my asthma medications, I remember being in awe of the feeling of air pass freely through my airways. Ski also noticed that I could sleep without snoring....something my friends and family have teased me about my entire life.

Since I could not bear to break the hearts of my children twice, I opted for allergy shots. I have not been able to increase to the full dose since I was having immense welts even with premedicating with two antihistamines. So I continue on a lowered maximum dosage. I have seen some improvement, but I am doubtful that I will see great improvements since I can't do the full treatment.

I have other asthma triggers. Dust mites are one. Cold is another...and I can't be treated for that. I also will have attacks if I experience extreme emotions.

Because of the allergies and asthma, my kitty and I have a love hate relationship. I adore her. But ever since she came to live with us, she has not been fond of me. If I nuzzle her as I love to do, I have to pay for it with allergy misery. She is fiercely independent. I love my kitty, but I long for a day without cats in my home. It would make my life much easier. We think about a "hair dog" but they are pricey and dogs....they're a lot of work.

Late Thursday afternoon, my son was vacuuming in the den. My cat had taken to sleeping under the couch so when the vacuum neared, she ran out from behind it. She knocked over a picture that had been leaning against the couch and made her way to the kitchen. There, my daughter noticed that she was not moving properly. Since it was so late in the afternoon, we decided to take her in on Friday to the vet.

We spent a tense evening watching our cat. She was not using her back legs at all. We took her food upstairs and the children left her up there. We found her hours later sitting in the hallway. I googled possibilities....and they were not good. People told me that you can't tell if a cat is in pain and she could be severely injured.

I was concerned for my son. He wondered if he had hurt her. I was afraid that she somehow had a serious injury and would need surgery that we could not afford and we would have to opt to put her down. I imagined that this would be the cause of much guilt on his part.

The time for us to leave for the appointment had come. I told the children before we left that she might not be coming home. There were a number of things that could be wrong and none of them sounded good. I had them say goodbye. It was heartbreaking.

I cried the entire ride to the vet's office.

We sat in the exam room and the dr ran through the list of possibilities. Things she had seen in vet school. She told us she didn't feel it was certain things because our cat did not appear to be in any pain. We opted for xrays and bloodwork.

She has no broken bones.
She has no tumor on her spine.
She does not have feline leukemia
feline AIDS
Kidney Infection
Does not appear to have a serious blood clot as these cause severe pain and no murmur is present
She is not diabetic
No heartworms
No infection

The doctor said her bloodwork was....beautiful.

She currently has no feeling in her right rear leg and has limited use in her left rear leg.

The possibilities are:
stroke....but this is VERY rare and she would probably have some other symptoms.
Disc issue....common in dachshunds and can be seen in cats. Would require a super expensive visit to the veterinary neurologist and possibly more expensive surgery.
Partial clot....this is not life threatening and can resolve to normal function without treatment. If this is the cause, she may or may not walk normally after the clot dissipates.

So, we know she is not in pain. She is eating and doing all other bodily functions...we just have to help her by putting her in the litter box and helping her clean. We are doing pt with her which includes doing range of motion exercises on both rear legs. If she is going to regain the use of her legs, we do not want her muscles to atrophy. If that happens, she still will not be able to walk.

Since she climbed down the stairs twice, we have moved everything downstairs. We don't want her falling down the stairs and injuring herself. We are watching for signs of a serious clot or worsening of her condition. The dr says she is perfectly happy and her meowing is probably her asking us "Why can't I walk like normal?"

She is getting lots of love and attention. We laugh as we watch her move about the house, but we also feel great compassion towards her. She is like having a baby, old person, and pet all mixed into one. She has always been a feisty cat and we think that this is helping her during this time. She is determined to do everything on her own. I caught her trying to get in her box so we know we must find an alternative to prevent her from hurting herself.

And through it all, I told dh.... if we had to put her to sleep, I wanted another cat. Silly, silly, silly me.

Not Such a Bad Thing (Part II)

Aug 8th....I arrived at the office where my dr talked with us. She was immensely kind. They had an emergency meeting to discuss my case and had decided I should deliver naturally. They were concerned that surgery and grief and the care of three young children would be too much for me. They also told me that they did not want me to feel pain if at all possible. They would induce me and let me progress until they were sure I was in labor and then we would start the epidural.

We went to the hospital and got settled in a room. We were told that everyone who came in the room would know the situation so we would not have to explain anything.

Our dear pastor came in a number of time or two during the day. I don't remember anyone else coming until much later. Ski and I spent most of the day talking, sometimes crying and an occasional laugh. Little did I know, but this was the beginning of the blessings to come.

We had been there all day and I now had my epidural. I was getting close. Because me epidural was very strong (more medication than usual), I began having incredible itching. A little later, I was close to delivery and a friend, Susan, had stopped by. She worked with moms who gave their babied up for adoption and was very familiar with moms in labor who needed comfort. She was like a refreshing glass of cool water for me. And later at home, she blessed me with gifts and just showered me with love and care.

During delivery, I think I cried the entire time. It was so hard because he was complete breach and so emotionally difficult. It was close to midnight when he finally arrived. He was 8lb 13oz and absolutely beautiful. He looked completely normal and reminded me of my father, who he was named after. Moments later, our pastor arrived for one last visit and he was able to hold and see our handsome son. He was the only person we personally know who saw him on this earth. We spent a few hours with holding our son. And finally, we said goodbye.

I never knew that your eyes could hurt from crying. But I never knew how much grace God would give me to walk through those days. I remember sitting in the restaurant at Mast General Store and crying, unable to eat. I don't remember eating much for about a month. I remember meals coming and Ski handing me plates and crying every other bite. At the same time, I often found myself comforting others and encouraging them.

It was a long and somewhat difficult road. I really can't share everything that was birthed in those hard days. It would take me quite a while and you wouldn't be reading anymore. But these are two....

I learned that God gave me Ski because he compliments me in every way. Our relationship changed in amazing ways. In fact the depth of our relationship is something that I consider the biggest gift that God gave us through the life and death of our son, Asher. What began during those bleak days has become even more precious to me during these past 15 years.

There were a number of trials since then that lead to the next lesson.
But the birth of our son also birthed deep lessons about who God is and what He's doing. I learned that God is always, always, ALWAYS good....even when we can't see it. His plan is greater. His plan is better. He is after more than I can see. He is after my heart. The stuff that happens in my life happens because God is at work and He is doing something amazing. All I have to do is to be faithful and wait awhile. I may not see ALL that he is doing here, but I can trust that it is all good and for my benefit.

What my children have meant to me through suffering and what they learn as they walk through questions of life and death has been precious to me as well. We have walked these roads together and it has impacted their lives. We often have had the occasion to speak about death and how life is so brief and momentary and we never know the number of our days.

The life of my son is such a reminder to me of Christ. I understand differently the sacrifice of a son. And I long even more for a reunion with my Savior than I do for my son. And my children see how their love for their brother, who they have never met, is how our love for Christ is.

So....I don't think it is such a bad thing at all. ;)

Happy birthday, Asher Josiah.
And thank you Lord for giving me so much through the life of my son!!

Not Such a Bad Thing (Part I)

It's funny.
I always thought that grief went away.
But it doesn't.
It just returns to you unexpectedly.

When you toss a stone into a lake, it sends out ripples. Towards the entry point of the stone, the ripples come fast and furious. And then, progressing outwards, they space themselves. Longer and longer grows the distance between the ripples. And more and more time passes, our hearts heal and unexpectedly, the tears come and we grieve again. Not like before. Now, our grief is small and brief as if clouds have come in the midst of an otherwise sunny day. And soon, the sun is shining upon us again.

So today, 15 years later, I found myself sobbing in the cemetery recalling the day my second son was born and the events that followed soon after. Little did I know that in the midst of the deep pain I was experiencing, God was giving me something more.....something better.

It is funny to me that people I have met in the last 10 years have no idea about this part of my life. For a long time, my oldest son used to tell literally everyone he met that he had a brother who died. I always felt badly about the strangers we met in the store who stood there aghast not knowing how to respond. Even now, If I happen to mention it after knowing someone awhile, I immediately get an "I'm sorry." and then usually silence.

But I'm not sorry.

Don't get me wrong. I would give anything to have him here with me. I long to be his mommy, too.

But for what I have gained....I wouldn't change a single thing. In fact, most people find it surprising to know that given the choice, I would do it all over again.....

I knew he had died.

On the evening of Aug 6th, I knew something was wrong, but kept it to myself. On Aug 7th, I woke up and told Ski I needed to go to the dr. When I called them, they told me to come in right away. We had three small children...almost 4, 3, and 2. I was due around Sept. 15. There we sat.....Ski and the three kids and me across the room. They tried the fetal monitor and the nurse was so cheery, but I knew. My dr came in. She was quiet and then "Yes....it's not good."

We learned that our son....we were having another son....had hydrocephalus. But on top of that, he had calcium deposits in his brain. These had probably caused him to have a seizure and he died.

There were concerns. First of all, he was complete breach. The drs wondered if I should deliver naturally or have a c-section. This they needed to discuss. They told me that I could wait to go into labor naturally, but that they did not encourage this. I could go in as soon as the next day to be induced. We should take our time and call them with our decision.

I remember holding it together until we got to the parking garage. And there, looking over the city, melting into Ski's arms into a ball of tears. Somehow, we pulled ourselves together and called someone....I have no idea who....and dropped the kids of....I have no idea where. All I know is that my church friends tended my children for the next few days which were a blur.

The next thing I recall is sitting in a Dairy Queen killing time trying to talk over what we would do. Ski was concerned about what the drs had said about it being very emotionally difficult to wait for natural labor to occur. A dear, sweet man from church happened to come in and spoke with us. I was not ready to talk and we had a "normal conversation" with him. And after trying to remain relatively normal during that conversation and seeing a number of cheerful pregnant women pass by, I came to the conclusion that everyone was right and we would go in the next day to deliver.

We had called our church and everyone was out of town except for one pastor. We went over after hours when he told us he was free and sat there with him until well after 8pm, I think. Over the next few days, he was rarely far from our sides and told us to call him when we needed him. To this day, I have never failed to appreciate the sacrifices both he, his wife and his family made on our behalf. We could have not gone through this without his gentle care and love for us.

I don't know when we arrived home or how I slept that night.

Sweet time spent....

I have full plate of stuff going on right now. So much God is doing in my life. There are no less than 4 things that are weighing heavily on my heart these days. So when I have time with Ski, it is sweet and such a blessing and a time of respite.

We had a date night tonight. We were talking about a lot of things. God is really using the trials of my life to bring us even closer together. Over the past few months, God has really been doing a work in my life and I stand amazed at what He has done!!

We were enjoying sweet and quiet conversation while we sat on a bench this evening in a tree-lined area. After awhile, a male and female cardinal came and sat on a bench across from us. It was obvious they were together. They flitted to and fro and they finally settled on the top of the bench back. After a little, the male dropped down to the seat area. After poking around a little, he returned to the bench back and approached his mate and fed her something into her beak. He repeated this action nearly ten times before she finally flew to the ground in a bush nearby. He soon followed. I learned later that this is mating behavior and that the male will often feed his mate beak to beak. It was a precious sight!!!!

God was so kind to show us this tenderness between birds. It was such a touching moment and we laughed awhile as we watched. I asked them if they were on a date night as well. Obviously, they were. I later discovered that he was feeding her bits of a discarded sandwich crust.

I am so grateful for my dearest husband who cares for me so tenderly as the male cardinal did this evening.

Hello old friend....

Garden Keeper

I grieve...
For all the times I have lied.
Did you wonder if I would ever change?
Did you fret about the snakes and bugs
That lurked when you weren't there?

I wonder...
How much did you really know?
Was the battle for my soul
More clear to you than I could see?
Or was it merely revelation in the passage of time?

It seems...
My life was like my sorry patch of beans.
It did not seem weedy and overgrown.
Till I peeked underneath the shady leaves
And discovered pests and tendrils dwelling there.

Tender...
Although it didn't seem to be
When you poked the leaves and shoots
Revealing disease and parts the insects chewed away
And yearning I would find the sun and rain.

Thank you.
For I know you must have prayed
Weeping...praying...never ending
And I know...you have never given up
Never ceased to love me so well and I...so undeserving.

-rag

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